FRONTAL LOBES, BRAIN – Intracellular police apprehended several fleeing epinephrine molecules after a high-speed chase through the sympathetic nervous system yesterday, sources say. Pursuit began in the adrenal glands, where the molecules were surprised during an attempt to induce breath and heart rate acceleration, and continued up the spinal cord to the brain, where they surrendered to frontal lobe authorities.

The apprehended molecules are part of a band of roving hormones know as the Adrenalinos. Upon questioning, they divulged the existence of a much larger underlying conspiracy, which includes a plot to lure humans into overwhelm mode by providing them with a never-ending stream of self-improvement tasks to perform.

Complicit in this plot is Magic Bullet, a wanted criminal known for his aggressive attempts to coerce people into the serial use and subsequent disposal of various systems, products, methods and concepts to solve their (often deliberately blown out of proportion) problems.

Bullet, who has been operating in the neuronal shadows for many decades, has proven elusive. This is largely due to his strategy of masterminding and directing groups of independent operatives such as the Adrenalinos. He is particularly adept at working with the mass media, which regularly launch highly effective advertising campaigns for the aforementioned products and systems.

Apparently Bullet believes in his own innocence, as evidenced by a synaptic tape recently delivered to frontal lobe headquarters. Its contents reveal that he views his work as beneficial. “Because of what I do, people are always primed and ready for action,” the tape states. “I also provide a constant supply of new hope.”

But such hope is false and detrimental, claims noted habits researcher Dr. Y.U. Doothings. “Humans lose the vital component of self-trust,” he states. “They pursue a Magic Bullet item or agenda, but when it doesn’t deliver the promised results quickly and painlessly, they drop it—and then blame themselves for their inability to follow through. Self-esteem tends to sink lower and lower with every repetition of this cycle. The resulting cost to each individual organism, as well as to society, is high.”

“The best way to escape the influence of Magic Bullet is simple avoidance,” counsels Chief of Police Otto Nomic. “But that’s almost impossible in modern society. Therefore, citizens should be remain alert and aware when venturing into common problem areas, such as health and body image, personal finance, and relationship issues.

“However, false Magic Bullet claims can be found almost anywhere,” he concludes. “Remember the old saying—‘If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is.’”

Meanwhile, the captured Adrenalinos have been taken into custody for an as-yet undetermined period. A formal hearing before the Superior Vena Cava is scheduled for this Thursday. Should the epinephrine molecules be willing to undertake public service activities such as parasympathetic nervous system activation or vagus nerve functional upgrades, their incarceration time could be shortened considerably.

—special report filed by Medulla Oblongata, A.P. Nervewire

At the heart of any kind of self-transformation lies one basic necessity—an awareness of what’s going on within you.

Depending on what kind of transformation you’re aiming for, that could be physical (“Okay, my legs don’t feel as stiff when I do this stretch now”), mental (“Why can’t I focus on the data today?”), plainly emotional (“He asked me out to dinner—whoo hoo!”), or subtly emotional (“I’ve started to realize my anger acts like a protective veil over my feelings about being left out”).

Realistically, most of the time (if you’re paying close attention) what’s going on inside you probably includes all of them, and they blur together.

Your feelings affect your body, and vice versa. Ditto with your feelings and your thoughts, and your thoughts and your body.

None of that is problematic.

It’s the addition of another ingredient to the mix that very often keeps us from making the changes we want to in our lives.

Like salt and sugar, it’s present in almost everything we think and feel, even if we’re not aware of it. A little bit used sparingly is okay, but just like too much salt or sugar, more than that is detrimental to our health and wellbeing.

That ingredient is judgment.

If we could just notice things in a detached way, we could separate ourselves from much of the despair, frustration, anger and pain that we inflict on ourselves by constantly trying to measure up against the many standards we’ve inherited.

But we drive ourselves so hard to be the physically fit, good-looking, hard-working, always-loving, sustenance-providing, intelligent, supportive people we think we’re required to be that we don’t pause long enough to realize what we’re asking of ourselves is impossible.

Did you ever stop to ask yourself who is actually requiring all this of you?

Of course it’s important to be as healthy as you reasonably can—that makes for a longer and more comfortable life. Most of us have to do something to make a living. Loving and caring for family and friends is generally pretty high on our list of values, too.

But who is telling you that you must fit specifically into a size 6 dress? Or that getting angry at your kids and yelling occasionally makes you a bad parent? Or that if you don’t make partner at your firm by the time you’re 45, your career is doomed?

Could it possibly be . . . you?

Maybe it’s okay to let go and stop judging yourself so harshly.

In fact, convincing arguments can be made for why it’s good to screw things up occasionally—or even often.

But how can we let go of self-judgment?

Here’s just one way—use a metaphor.

You’re simultaneously an artist and a work in progress. Michelangelo didn’t just blink, and *pow!* the Sistine Chapel was painted. He had to lie around on his back for an awfully long time to create that gorgeous ceiling…and I’m guessing he had to paint over many mistakes along the way, too.

You’re like a baby who is learning to walk. You’ve got to go through the rolling over, sitting up and crawling stages first, and then you stumble and fall a lot when you first manage to move on your own two feet. But just because you’re not walking confidently quite yet doesn’t mean you’re not a “successful” infant.

You’re a farmer planting seeds in the field of yourself. You’re doing the work—but patience is also needed. You can’t plant today and have a flourishing crop tomorrow.

You’re an aspiring chef who has opened your own restaurant. You’re not content with the typical meals being served up elsewhere—you’re constantly trying to invent new palate-pleasing sensations. Sometimes you come up with things that aren’t so great…but your regular customers don’t mind because they know that every experiment leads to your next superb gastronomic discovery.

Find a metaphor that resonates with you about how you’re making incremental progress (and sometimes just the awareness I was talking about earlier is a form of progress), and come back to it again and again as a reminder that you’re doing just fine, thankyouverymuch.

Just remember not to believe your mind’s opinion of yourself.

Last week Jill Chivers of I’m Listening Now graciously featured me on her blog. She made me think deeply—which was both challenging and fun.

Now it’s my turn. (Mwahahahaa!)

I turned the tables on Jill and ask her some questions of my own about her dual superpowers of listening deeply and asking potent questions. (This is longer than my usual blog post, but definitely worth the read.)

Shall we?

Me: Asking questions seems like such a basic and straightforward thing to do. Why is it so powerful?

Jill: Because people answer them. It’s so simple and so true. Recall the last time someone asked you a question, even an unexpected or perhaps slightly inappropriate one. Did you answer? Chances are you did.

The right question at the right time has the power to change your perspective, your actions, and in that way, your life.

You need to consider the “scaffolding” that hold up a great question. Questions and questioning do not happen in isolation; there is a context that makes a big difference to how well they work, or not. Trusting the person who is asking, or at least trusting their intentions are good, is one of them.

Another part of the scaffolding of questions is the speaker’s self-esteem and confidence. People who have issues with competence, for example, are often hesitant to respond to a question unless they are fully versed in every aspect of its answer.

No questions exist in a vacuum—context is always important.

Me: Some people say that reflecting on our difficulties and problems only increases our awareness of them, and therefore their power over us. What would you say in response to that?

Jill: I’ve heard that school of thought, too. That if you attend a support group for, say, asthma, you’ll get more asthma. The general philosophy is what you focus on, you get more of. So if you don’t want more asthma, you won’t join the asthma group and spend lots of time talking about asthma with them. That’s the theory. And there’s a lot to it.

It’s certainly true that we can influence our feelings, and our overall state, by the thoughts we think. The first step is becoming conscious of those thoughts. There’s research that the majority of our thoughts on any given day are repetitive and negative.

If someone has had a troubling event in their past (recent or way, way back), then telling them to “just think positive” is not going to help them. They need to clear some of that emotional stuff that’s keeping them stuck.

So if your intention is to just replay the same old record (“he done me wrong”), then I agree with the premise in your question. That story will keep you stuck and will have unknown power over you.

But if your intention is to play that record to get clear on what it is that’s keeping you stuck, then to get rid of that record, then it can be life-changing and sanity-saving to reflect on past difficulties and problems. Intention and awareness will take you a long, long way down the track to healing.

Me: In the video at the bottom of your website’s home page, you talk about listening not only to our minds, but also to our bodies and our feelings. How exactly can we do that?

Jill: There are many ways to tune into your body (I wrote about this a few weeks ago).

Breathing is one of the simplest ways to get out of your head and into your body. And not just breathing (because your body will do that on its own), but conscious breathing, where you bring your attention to the breath. Anything that increases the connection between your body and your thoughts will help you tune in.

The body has such wisdom to it, and so much of the time, we ignore it as a great source of data.

Knowing your existing relationship to your feelings is the first step. I’m on very familiar terms with my feelings—I’m usually very aware of how I’m feeling at any given moment. My feelings provide great input to me. Other folks aren’t really on great terms with their feelings.

You can always improve your relationship with your feelings. Like any relationship, this takes time and attention.

Feelings are one point of data, one source of information. Ignoring feelings is just as unhelpful and unnatural as using feelings as the only source of data and wisdom.

Sometimes the question that helps that most is “What am I feeling now?” or “What feelings are present for me right now?” If you ask that kind of question, then sit with it and listen for the answer to arise, you can hear things that may surprise you. You have to be open to what you’re going to hear.

Clearing some space to hear the wisdom from your body and feelings is important. Cut out the white noise that our lives have too much of—too much television, too much time online, too much Twitter! Get still and quiet for at least one minute a day, and just pay attention to your breath. Anyone, even someone living in the middle of the busiest city and the busiest life, can do that.

Me: I publish Practice Makes Imperfect for people who, like me, often push themselves to extremes trying to do everything. Right. All the time. When we get like this (which is often), we seem to have this unconscious override switch in our brains that keeps us from paying attention to our own needs so that we can keep on pushing hard. What can we do about that?

Jill: There are two things that I notice in what you’re saying. The first is trying to do everything. The second is trying to do everything “right.” I’ve used quotation marks there because I don’t really believe in there even being a “right” in some circumstances.

If we were sitting down together with a cup of coffee (or red wine), I’d be interested in asking you some questions, and seeing what wisdom you came up with yourself, for yourself. What would happen if you didn’t do everything? What wouldn’t happen if you didn’t do everything?

I don’t usually have an issue with doing things “right” or of doing everything. There’s a line in an old movie that F. Murray Abraham says: “In 100 years, who’ll care?” Maybe it won’t even matter in 100 minutes. Drop the small stuff.

I timebox tasks. So if I’ve allowed 60 minutes for my blog–from fingers on the keyboard to hitting “publish”–then that’s how long I allow that task to take. My internal clock is fairly accurate and it is amazing how many times that I have finished a task that I’ve timeboxed and look up at my clock and I have 2 minutes to spare. Another example of the body’s wisdom.

Many things in life are iterative. If you take a “process” perspective, then nothing is ever really done, but is always at some stage of development, from conception to decline. Getting friendly with this idea is one way to unhook yourself from that “completion thing” so many of us have.

Me: I’m struck by the fact that your I’m Listening Now products are all about listening to ourselves and our own inner wisdom, but on your blog you often talk about listening to others. Do you draw a distinction between those two types of listening?

Jill: Politicians answer: Yes and no.

Listening to yourself is an internal experience. It’s tuning into your thoughts, paying attention to the messages your physical body is sending, focusing on feelings. It’s often a private experience, but it can take a public form where you talk through your thoughts and feelings out loud with someone else. People with a preference for extraversion find that hearing the words as they come out of their mouths is the best way for them to know what they think and feel about something.

With this kind of listening, the attention is on the self.

I recently published a composite piece where I asked 12 inspiring entrepreneurs to share their 100-word stories on a time they listened to themselves and the profound impact it had on their lives.

Listening to others shifts the attention away from the self, and onto the other person. Great listening rarely happens when someone is multi-tasking.

When listening to others, you may also be tuned into the responses of your body, thoughts and feelings—they can give you important cues as you’re listening.

Truly outstanding listeners have created a space that encompasses themselves and the other person. How great listeners do this is not entirely known. It has to do with presence, and focused attention. If you’ve ever been on the receiving end of that kind of listening, you know how powerful (and addictive) it can be.

If you could convey just one message to those of us who are struggling with issues of perfectionism, what would it be?

I’d be inclined to ask a question and encourage you to wait for your own answer to appear. To truly sit with the question, to be still and silent and patient, then listen for the answer to come to you. Know the answer will be there when you need it.

And the question I’d ask is: What is the most freeing thought you could imagine, that would unhook you from the unhappiness your perfectionism creates for you? And what would happen if you practised thinking that thought, starting from now?

——-oOo——-

Thanks, Jill!

Personally, my biggest takeaways are these:

“So if your intention is to just replay the same old record, then I agree that story will keep you stuck and will have unknown power over you. But if your intention is to play that record to get clear on what it is that’s keeping you stuck, then it can be life-changing and sanity-saving to reflect on past difficulties and problems.”

I think this is a really important distinction.

“Many things in life are iterative. If you take a ‘process’ perspective, then nothing is ever really done.”

You mean, like laundry? ;o)

No, I get the point. My inbox will never be empty, no matter how much I decry that fact.

——-oOo——-

Want more goodness from Jill Chivers? She works and writes about the power and magic of listening in our everyday lives. You can visit I’m Listening Now to learn more and to sign up for her weekly ezine.

It’s been an interesting few months. But I’m back! And I’m deliberately refraining from an explanation about why I haven’t written anything here for a few months, because one of my tendencies is to overexplain and justify myself. And while it definitely feels uncomfortable not to do that now, it’s good practice for me. So, um, yeah. I’m just back.

I’ve also been thinking a lot about next year. I’ve had a year of making great progress “in the soft,” as Havi Brooks would say (that’s the inner emotional and thought-process kind of self-work), and in 2010 I want to continue with that. However, I also have some definite goals “in the hard” (all that outer, tangible and sometimes trackable stuff) that I’d really like to achieve. Have I learned enough in the past few years to be able to have “hard” goals again without beating myself up over them? And will they block my “softer” goals, or can I find a balance between the two?

Luckily for me, Pace and Kyeli Smith, whom I’ve written about before, are launching their newest program today. It’s called ”52 Weeks to Awesome, and it involves a conveniently year-long process of completely pressure-free and non-guiltified remarkamobilization. (That’s mobilizing yourself to become even more remarkable than you already are. Of course it’s a word. Humph.)

I could talk about it, but why not let Kyeli and Pace do it themselves? I was lucky enough to catch them before they head off to Ireland very soon on their honeymoon, and they were kind enough to let me interview them.

You’re offering a year-long e-course entitled 52 Weeks to Awesome. “Awesome” is a pretty vague term—what exactly do you mean by it?

Our definition of awesome is pretty simple and twofold: a) Knowing what you want and how to get it, and b) knowing what you don’t want and how to avoid it. This knowledge coupled with this behavior makes for a pretty awesome life.

I’ve seen your list of weekly topics for 52 Weeks to Awesome, and it’s quite aweso…erm, impressive! What were your criteria for choosing which topics made the list?

Well, with 52 missions, we had lots of space for as much awesome as we could come up with. Almost. I mean, we did wind up with 5 bonus missions, because we kept coming up with stuff. But anyway. Every mission had to be simple, concrete, uncomplicated, useful – and fun. We want every week to be something that’s straightforward and simple to implement because that keeps it do-able, and if they’re fun, too, that’ll keep you opening those emails.  (:

I’ve lost count of all the programs I’ve started with enormous enthusiasm, only to berate myself when I inevitably fall off the wagon. How can people like me get around this tendency?

Yeah! We planned for that! The first week’s mission is about figuring out how to avoid exactly that. It’s called “Helping you complete the next 51 missions (and anything else you commit to).” We realize that the course won’t do anyone any good if it’s sitting at the bottom of your trash folder, so our first priority is to help you get what you need out of it.

I also tend to get very rigid in the way I define success—where maybe I’m not really doing all that badly, but my thinking becomes very black-and-white. For instance, I might start an exercise program where I decide I have to or should work out four days a week, but I only manage to do it two or three times. So in my mind, I’ve failed, my self-esteem takes a blow, and I stop working out entirely. I recognize the folly of this way of thinking, but it’s so hard to break free. Any suggestions?

*nods* That’s exactly why we made the missions optional. You’ll get out of it what you put into it, but we won’t judge you based on how many missions you complete, or how well you complete them. This is exactly why we put “Self-acceptance essentials,” “Self-esteem essentials,” and “Self-love essentials” at the very beginning of the course — weeks 2, 3, and 4. Hopefully that will be quick enough to beat the “have to”s and “should”s to the punch. (:  Last but not least, anyone who enrolls in 52 Weeks to Awesome gets a lifetime membership — you can repeat the course as often as you’d like, and you don’t even have to wait until next year. So imagine your life explodes in January, and you get behind on the course. In April, you finally have time to devote to the e-course again, but now you feel behind, like you have a mountain of backlog. Just start over. Just start over from the beginning, and we’ll re-enroll you so you start receiving Week 1 again. You can do this as many times as you like, with no worries or judgment.

What can we say to ourselves, or do, to help ourselves feel that little steps really do make a difference?

It’s like moving. When you get ready to move, you (or at least, we) look around the house and feel overwhelmed. So much stuff! So many things to do! But if you grab a box and start packing, before long you’ve got an empty house and bunches of full boxes. You can’t possibly fill 10 boxes at once — you have to take it one box at a time till you’re done. The same thing applies here: one step at a time. You can’t burst into awesome and totally change your entire life overnight (well, actually, you can, but it’s really crazy and we don’t recommend it). Reminding yourself that the really good, permanent, sticky changes take time — and that every step you take is good, no matter what — will really help put it in perspective.

What are each of your personal favorite topics in 52 Weeks to Awesome?

(Pace says) I can’t pick a favorite based on usefulness, because all 52 are useful. So I’ll pick based on which is my favorite to talk about: Week 52: Manifestation essentials. That’s when I get to go off about my personal philosophy of the nature of reality. The stuff we teach that week works regardless of your metaphysical beliefs, but it’s fun to think about and talk about anyway. (:

(Kyeli says) For me, it’s a tie between Week 10: Stopping the Downward Spiral and Week 15: What is Fear, Anyway? These have been two of the most powerful steps I’ve taken in my own personal journey towards awesome, and the two I’m most excited about sharing!

What have you each learned in creating the program?

(Pace says) Amusingly, I’ve learned a lot about the usual error. Some of the missions I thought would be easy turned out to be unexpectedly challenging for others, because those missions rely on things I’ve already internalized — but we haven’t taught yet. We wound up doing a lot of re-ordering to be sure we covered the basics before moving into the stuff that wound up being more complex. The other thing I’ve learned is… I guess I’d call it a Grand Unified Theory of Awesome. Putting all the pieces together in a way that makes sense to teach them has helped me understand how they’re all related, and the underlying principles behind it all.

(Kyeli says) Brevity with impact. I’m a rambler, and keeping the emails in “bite-sized tidbits” has been challenging and fun.

What does the program cost, and where can people sign up?

We want this to be affordable for everyone, because being more awesome is a solid foundation for world-wide change. The 52-week course, plus 5 bonus weeks, is $52 — and, from Monday the 14th (that’s today!) through Thursday the 17th, it’s on sale for $39; $39 amounts to three full months free! We even have a few apprenticeships, where you get monthly coaching and extra email support for the entire length of the course.  There are only six of those spots, and each one is $390; Registration is on our site, here.

If people want to know what other awesomeness you two ladies are up to, how can they stay connected with you?

We’re both on Twitter – @Kyeli and @PaceSmith.  Kyeli is prolific, goofy, and talks to her uterus — so you’re forewarned. We’re on Facebook as Kyeli and as Pace. And, of course, there’s our blog where we talk about being awesome, the Connection Paradigm, personal growth, and all kinds of interesting stuff!

Click here or on the graphic above to view more details

Thanks very much for your time, Pace and Kyeli! Happy packing, and have a wonderful trip to the Emerald Isle!

In the meantime, I’ll be looking over my “52 Weeks” goodies and thinking awesome thoughts about 2010.

Do you get frustrated with all the peppy, saccharine advice out there which tries to convince you that you are a wonderful person just as you are and you should accept yourself without self-recrimination? Do you find it just a tad hard to accept?

Yeah, me too.

This post was sparked by Jennifer Louden (whom I am not accusing of being saccharine, by the way—she’s the real deal) and her Declaration of Freedom from Self-Improvement which she posted today to kick off a week on this theme on her blog.

I signed the declaration by leaving a comment, but it made me think about how easy it is to fall into empty-words, positive-thinking rhetoric and say, “Yes! Non-judgmental self-acceptance, what a great idea! I stand behind it completely!” and then go about your life as usual, vs. really trying to practice it.

And the ironic thing here is that trying to practice it can turn into the very self-improvement self-tyranny you’re attempting to unlearn. (“Damn it! I’m failing at unconditionally accepting myself!”)

That’s a fine line to walk, so I thought I’d share some thoughts on what has helped me to walk it.

Today’s post is about one of the most important attitude adjustments you can make toward overcoming what I am hereby naming “Superhero Syndrome.” (Definitely more to come on that!) I will follow up soon in another post with a list of specific techniques I’ve used.

So . . . how can you move past feeling that the pep talks (from others and from yourself) about how “you’re perfectly fine as you are” are empty positive-thinking platitudes? How can you start believing them?

Realize that accepting yourself as you are now is NOT the same thing as becoming complacent and lazy.

If you already set high (maybe even unreasonably high) standards for yourself, you will not suddenly turn into a person who lets things slide, produces shoddy results, and stops working on yourself. It’s simply not in your nature. You will continue to do your best, but if you can uncouple those efforts from the belief that they define your worth as a human being, you’ll gradually be able to relax into an acceptance what you really are—an amazing work in progress.

This is not easy, but it’s well worth the effort. Personally, I get there by:

• Self-talk. I remind myself over and over again that the essence of me is more than the sum of my actions and how successful I think they are.
• Self-observation. When I act as if the above concept is true, I notice that I feel more peaceful and happy. The more I notice that I do not, in fact, become lazy and complacent when I let go of my attempt to be 100% perfect at everything, the more I build up evidence that I’m not going to turn into an unmotivated lump.

One important thing to keep in mind here is that if you’ve been riding yourself into the ground for a long time, once you begin to realize that you can stop trying so hard all the time you may find yourself sleeping a lot. Or vegging out and staring at walls or the television. Or reading novels. Or playing lots of computer games. Or whatever you do to relax and unplug.

This is fine. You are not becoming a lethargic slob. You are catching up on much-needed rest and rejuvenation, which you may have been denying yourself for years or even decades.

When I finally admitted that I needed to slow down and nurture myself, I slept for 10 hours or more per night for four straight months, with many daytime naps on weekends. And when I came out the other side, I had more energy and enthusiasm for life than I’d felt in many years. I was able to do more.

Go easy on yourself. Don’t be like the saying on one of my all-time favorite t-shirts.

And stay tuned. There’s more to come on this reeeeeeally important topic.